New Poem (July 26th, 2010)

Enemy

I must look like an enemy to you.
Audacious.
A casual smile hiding insecurities
And a heart that no longer beats to your breath.
I am no longer your lover.
Or the person with whom you once experienced freedom.
We were once a sigh of relief.
A reason to dance.
Sweaty palms.
A snorting laugh.
And love.
We were love.
Now you look at me as if you don't remember these moments.
These times where you showed me who I could be if I was brave enough.
And I was...
Brave enough.
But I was also sacrifice.
And longing.
And sleepless nights.
And anger.
And resentment.
And you were missing.
After relationships are over,
I always struggle with what to remember and what to forget.
Because I tried to forget.
And forgive.
But I am lost somewhere.
I've reached enemy territory.
When really,
I am just an ex-girlfriend.
Someone who you cherished once.
Who is struggling to find an indentity without your smile.
And busying myself with me.
Forgive me (my) Queen.
I did a mediocre job of breaking your heart.
And I'm clumsy with super glue.
We are both undone.
I guess I am able to camouflage myself more,
While you are careless words and second thoughts,
Regretting our exchanges more and more each moment you don't hear my voice.
I can't be this for you.
These self-hatred moments where I am your lapse in judgement.
I only love you.
I only wanted to love you.
But my love is not enough,
To fix these cracks.
What happened to our foundation?
To the moments where I wanted you for the rest of my life.
Just as you were.
And I was never more sure.
Now I am an idea to be quietly done away with.
A distant memory
To be placed neatly on a shelf to collect dust.
Something easily gotten over,
That you refuse to miss.
The enemy.